


Left Behind

by chenziee



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Introspection, M/M, Manga Spoilers, POV Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), canonverse, kind of, up to chapter 107
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-10
Updated: 2018-08-10
Packaged: 2019-06-25 12:34:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15640869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chenziee/pseuds/chenziee
Summary: Levi thinks back to when he started losing Eren. Will they be able to fix what they have lost after getting Eren back from Marley?





	Left Behind

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [ererievents'](http://ererievents.tumblr.com/) 2018 angst weekend that took place on tumblr August 3rd - August 5th. This piece is in 3 acts, each act corresponding to one prompt:  
> Act I: Fade  
> Act II: Damaged  
> Act III: Goodbye

ACT I.

If you asked him, Levi would tell you he was used to people leaving him behind. Granted, it was usually because they died while Levi survived once again. His mother, the filthy dog he befriended in the underground, Isabel and Farlan, his squad, and most recently Erwin. Really, he was used to it. Has come to expect it every time he went out to the field.

That still didn’t make it hurt any less, however, especially when he realized, as time passed, that the memories were slowly fading away. When he thought back to the people he once loved, he could still vividly remember their little mannerisms. He could still almost see the way his mother used to brush her hair. Could hear Isabel’s laugh and the way Farlan would scold her after one of her childish stunts. Could imagine Petra pushing her hair behind her ear and Auruo biting his tongue. He saw flashes of Erd and Gunther playing cards in the mess hall. But they were all blurry. Was Petra shorter than him or taller? He couldn’t even remember exactly what colour Isabel’s hair was and he used to clean it up from all over their little shithole house in the underground.

His mother’s face was a completely mystery to him, after all those years.

When he found Eren, he had thought he had finally found someone who wouldn’t leave him behind. The kid was strong, determined, a monster in every sense of the word. Beautiful and constant. He wasn’t going anywhere. He would survive anything, probably long after Levi himself bit the dust.

So he allowed himself to rely on the kid, seeking out his presence, letting himself fall. Eren would be there to catch him after all.

It didn’t take him long to realize Eren wasn’t a constant after all, always moving forward, going after his goals without hesitation. Levi loved him even more for it. He was hope. Hope for the future, and hope for him.

He wasn’t counting on himself not being able to keep up with him.

After Shiganshina, for the first time in his life Levi had experienced somebody slipping through his fingers while they were standing right next to him. It was a completely different kind of pain from disappearing faces but it didn’t hurt any less. Eren was _right there,_ after all. He was right there but it felt like he was somewhere else entirely.

They could be making love, kissing, holding hands, cuddling, talking, exchanging ‘I love you’s over and over... and Levi would still feel like he was alone, left behind as he reached out for Eren’s slowly fading form and desperately called for him to wait.

Bit by painful bit, he was losing Eren to something bigger than he was. And he could do nothing about it.

 

* * *

 

ACT II.

Levi has always had trouble sleeping. In the underground, long and deep sleep was a dangerous, dangerous thing. Even after Erwin pulled him out, it was hard to shake the habit, hard to not wake upon the quietest noise, the slightest movement. Years later, years spent in the safety of the walled surface, and he still couldn’t shake the habit.

The nightmares that had joined in with the paranoia as soon as his first expedition ended sure weren’t helping either.

When he started sleeping in the same bed with Eren, it got worse. A single deep sigh from his bed mate was enough to send him into a defensive position, sitting up in his bed and ready to pounce, the dagger he kept under his pillow in his hand. He wasn’t used to sharing his space with anyone and the deep trust he had in Eren didn’t change that. Yet somehow... he had never told Eren to leave.

He knew why. Even if it was harder for him to get any sleep, he felt more rested in the mornings than when he was without Eren. He felt safer. Calmer.

Not alone.

He didn’t want to admit it, not even to himself, but he hated loneliness. He was a man who had been broken and then haphazardly put together too many times; he was nearly falling apart, only holding on by the sheer force of will and duty and determination. And hope.

A thing he couldn’t find by himself anymore, not when once he found it in someone else..

As long as Eren was there, waking up from a nightmare didn’t leave him gasping for breath and clutching at his chest, feeling like he would throw up. Eren reminded him there was still something to live for, something worth all the death and destruction, worth the effort. He was a solid presence to hold on to. Alive; warm and breathing and not going anywhere.

Until he did.

The first time he left Levi alone at night wasn’t his fault. It was Levi’s.

Levi allowed him to be kidnapped. And he can’t remember a night quite as scary and lonely as during that time. He didn’t even try to sleep then, too worried and too focused on getting the boy back to even think about sleep until he had him back in his arms, happy and smiling. Or crying and seeking comfort. Either way was fine with Levi, as long as Eren was safe and out of Kenny’s clutches.

The second time he left Levi...

The second time he left Levi by himself was entirely on Eren.

 

* * *

 

ACT III.

Just a few months ago, Levi wouldn’t have thought he’d ever have to go down the stairs leading to the basement again. The Survey corps were on the top of the food chain now, after all, and Eren could go wherever he wanted.

That is, until he took that freedom and pushed it further than any of them thought possible. Without a word of explanation or warning beside the half-assed letters he sent.

And it hurt. It hurt Levi that the boy didn’t trust him enough to tell him shit anymore. They could have talked about it. Could have figured it all out. But instead, Eren took matters into his own hands without looking back. Levi supposed he shouldn’t have been surprised, that that was what _he_ had taught him; he had told Eren to believe in himself again and again but he had never imagined that advice would turn them against each other like this.

Stopping in front of Eren’s cell, looking at his slumped form sitting on the bed... Levi wondered where they went wrong. He knew he was losing Eren for years but he had had no idea just how bad it was until the kid left. Completely blindsided, Levi was left behind with a gaping hole where Eren should have been. _Again_.

By Eren’s own choice this time.

“Did Hanji send you?” Eren spoke up after a long, terribly long moment of silence.

Levi silently took in how different Eren looked from when they had gotten him onto the airship. He had washed up and shaved, and most importantly, looked just as determined as he did the first time Levi saw him. Only it seemed cold.

When they had first met, in a situation not so different from now, Eren was fire. Uncontrollable, blazing hot fire that drew Levi in as if he were a moth. Now Eren was cold. Calculating and sure of himself, and Levi felt like he didn’t recognize him anymore.

Finally, he shook his head. “No. I wanted to talk to you myself.”

A lie and the truth, both at once.

Hanji _had_ begged him to talk to Eren, told him he was the only one who had any hope of getting through to him. But he wasn’t down there because of Hanji. He was standing in front of Eren because he was selfish and wanted answers. Wanted to know what he did wrong for Eren not to trust him.

To leave him, and everyone else right along with him, behind.

Eren didn’t reply to him as be intently watched Levi unlock the door to his cell and walk in, all the while keeping his expression a careful neutral. Levi didn’t bother to lock or even close the door behind himself.

“Aren’t you worried I’m going to run away?” Eren asked, sarcasm dripping from his voice and Levi narrowed his eyes at him.

“No,” he said simply, curtly, not elaborating any further. There was no reason for Eren to run. Not now, not ever. Eren was the last person to run away, no matter the situation. Not to mention he could have gotten away whenever he wanted to and no shitty lock could have stopped him.

Levi held Eren’s gaze without flinching as the other observed him, wondered when those green, green eyes stopped feeling like home.

“Why are you here, Levi?” There was no emotion detectable in Eren’s voice and Levi felt something tighten in his chest.

Sighing deeply, Levi replied, “You could have fucking said something. Nobody stopped you from giving your opinion. Hell, we _asked_ for it.” He paused shooting Eren a glare that was only met with an impassive, stone cold expression. “You could have come to me, we could have talked about it and figured it out, make a fucking plan! But no, instead you take everything to be your own goddamn responsibility and run off-”

Levi had to stop himself there, feeling the emotions overwhelm him. He was just so _angry_. No, scratch that. He was pissed. Pissed at Eren for doing whatever the fuck he wanted and pissed at himself for not seeing it coming. Pissed at the world for putting them in a situation that would make Eren go off and play the hero. Or the devil, depending on your point of view. Levi honestly wasn’t sure which one he was seeing looking at the kid now. He wanted to see a hero but he only saw a person he used to love but barely knew anymore.

Eren regarded him for a moment, Levi refusing to make eye contact as he focused on his breathing. It wasn’t like him to lose his cool like this and Eren knew that. “Why are you angry, really?” It was worded like a question but didn’t sound like one. More like a thought voiced out loud, Eren trying to figure out a puzzle that he found and tried to solve out boredom.

Levi wanted to hit him then. The shitty brat should know exactly why he was there, should understand how Levi was feeling. That he didn’t only went to show that the rift between them wasn’t only from Levi’s side. Eren said goodbye to him without saying it, not looking back and never bothering to check how Levi reacted. He just expected him to understand.

Or to not care, judging by the barely-there, thoughtful wrinkle that appeared on his brow.

Levi didn’t hit him. Instead, he strode over and grabbed his collar, growling lowly, “Why the fuck do you think. You think we wouldn’t have listened to you if you had said anything?” Levi saw Eren’s eyes widen the slightest bit, obviously not expecting Levi to be quite _this_ aggressive. “I’m not going to spout shit and say everybody would do what you said, but fuck, _talk to me, Eren. I’m fucking listening.”_

Despite himself, the last bit came out as a desperate plea, a last ditch effort to reach out to the Eren he knew. The Eren who trusted him and whom Levi trusted in turn.

He saw Eren’s eyes soften, feeling his warm and so so familiar hands touch his thighs tentatively. He didn’t even realize when he got so close, practically sitting on Eren’s lap at this point, but he wasn’t backing off. He missed Eren. Missed his warmth and his smell, his eyes and his voice. He didn’t want to give him up.

No matter how angry he was at the boy, no matter how far away he seemed. There was still something between them, something even Eren’s half-assed goodbye in the letter he sent couldn’t sever.

He didn’t say it to his face. He didn’t look Levi in the eyes and say it was over. Levi could admit it was in part his own fault; he had led Eren to feel like he couldn’t trust him and he would do his damnedest to fix that. He would catch up to Eren. He would help him in his mad quest for freedom. Eren only had to let him try.

Letting go of Eren’s shirt, Levi’s hands travelled up slowly until they were holding Eren’s face, his thumbs gently stroking the other’s cheekbones. Eren looked frozen in place, his own hands glued to Levi’s hips.

“Eren, please,” Levi said quietly, searching Eren’s eyes for any sign that he heard him. So far he only saw surprise. “I’m here. You don’t have to do all this shit alone. I’m here and you should have known I wouldn’t let you go so easily. I fucking love you, okay? Just.. let me in.”

Eren’s eyes fell shit then, leaving Eren’s face completely unreadable for a long while. Levi could only wait, wondering if he had just managed to fuck this up for good. If this would end up being the real goodbye he hadn’t gotten before.

However, before he could finish the thought, Eren was on him.

Arms closed around his waist, pulling him close, their chests colliding before Eren’s lips crashed into his, hungry and desperate. It was clumsy, almost like their first kiss was.

Levi didn’t even take a second to respond, kissing back just as fiercely. He bit down on Eren’s bottom lip, earning himself a hiss and a hungry growl in return. He missed those sounds too, missed them so much it hurt and hearing them again, Levi felt heat pool deep inside his stomach.

Soon Eren managed to pry Levi’s lips apart to push his tongue inside. Levi didn’t fight him, let him explore and lick and re-discover every single part of his mouth, as their tongues danced together. Levi moaned when one of Eren’s hands slipped under his shirt, sliding slowly up and down his naked skin. In response, one of Levi’s hands moved to the back of Eren’s head, pulling the messy bun lose.

“Fuck,” Eren groaned almost inaudibly in response to Levi pulling on his hair lightly- It sounded wrong to Levi, like he was holding something back.

In the same moment, Levi realized there was something wet on Eren’s cheek where his other hand still rested and he pulled back, searching Eren’s face for answers.

He didn’t have to look long, the tears obvious as they shone in Eren’s bright, once again alive eyes.

“Are you okay?” he asked in a whisper, as if afraid Eren would disappear if he spoke too loud.

Eren let out a bark of laughter, the arms still firmly around Levi’s waist tightening before he buried his face in the crook of Levi’s neck. “I just missed you so fucking much,” he mumbled then, finally letting the tears he’d been suppressing for what was probably years flow freely.

Levi left a long kiss on Eren’s temple, one hand pressed to his nape while the other combed through his long hair. “I missed you so fucking much too, brat.”

A beat of silence passed, only interrupted by Eren’s quiet sobs until Levi sighed, tired but content, “Welcome back.”

**Author's Note:**

> ~~I finished and edited this half asleep and now I'm too scared to read it over rip.~~


End file.
